Sunday, May 16, 2010

Well, I Was Going to Bed, but Then This...

Now it's been over a year, a very good year. Not necessarily a long year, but 365 uninterrupted days - 399 actually, or 400 in an hour and half. Regardless of its relationship to the calendar, the milestone has been passed and it had been remarkable to experience. I could go on for quite a while on the exciting things that have transpired, but that's skirting on boasting, and while there is a lot to be proud of, it's not what I hold most dear from the past thirteen months. It's the truly intangible, that which we make tangible through our actions, which has caused the greatest momentum shift in this life.

The first thing that comes to mind is the ability to have a relationship, any kind, really, but especially that with my family. This has been absolutely integral to the success of recovery, and it began without delay and without question. There was a quiet understanding that this was about now, and without the now there would be no tomorrow, yet there could be a now without the yesterdays. A proximity exists that never did before and somehow feels as though it was never missing. The birth of my newest niece and nephew, and the chances to see them grow in just the past few months, brings tears to my eyes for the joy and hope and wonderment they represent. I can't imagine again missing anything so profound for the sake of addiction. I see them and for the first time truly understand the desire to be a parent - it was so foreign and far beyond my reach before - and even though I'm not sure if that will happen in my life, I have these two to keep me happy (without the dirty diapers). Next weekend the honor to be their godfather will be mine. That's better than a perfect GPA.

Outside the family is of course the fine friendships I've been blessed with establishing, and reestablishing, in recent months. As anyone that's been down a similar road will say, the early months are lonely, not just for the old way of life but also the friends you leave behind. It's been fortunate enough that the loneliness did not solidify into lonesomeness, or worse. And while it did take heaping helpings of patience and introspection, it has paid off. I have wonderful friends in my life, and even though they are much smaller in number than in the heyday of "most popular man in Uptown" status, the people are genuine, loving, concerned, and supportive. It is such people that give anybody hope that world isn't out to kill you. I've always wanted that bond with the world that leaves you open and willing to do it everyday. Waylon Jennings wrote a song about that once, kind of, maybe not exactly but it sounds good so I'll stick with it.

What is the intangible being made corporeal about? It is the open heart full of faith, the open eyes full of wonder, the open mind full of recognition, and the open arms full of welcome. It is the knowing of one's self that allows you to see others, to accept others, the hold others and to share others. You see the value in the deepest and sincerest aspects of life, make yourself ready for the undefinable weight of its lightness, stabilize yourself for the unshakable momentum, and give all of it away because it wasn't meant for you; you are only a catalyst and your reward is the freedom to seek and share the next incredible slice of life. I have so much but none of it is mine. None. Nor would I ever have it any other way. It has never felt better to know that this feeling I have now I can share and let it go and help change someone, and even though it "goes", it is never truly gone - because it becomes part of you.

This I dedicate to the innumerable people in my life; some I know now and cherish, and many more I will with faith, wonder, recognition, and welcome.

1 comment:

Kelley Reiter said...

Brad - What a beautiful, thoughtful entry...just inspiring. You are such an amazing brother, son, nephew, uncle and friend. I love you so much! <3