Thursday, April 30, 2009

When Dreams Act as Revelations (Part 1)

While the meaning of dreams has been a mystery from ancient Egypt and Greece to modern psychology, few can argue the significance of dreams that leave us a changed person in our waking life. We have all had nightmares that confound us so that it affects our conscious behavior with a sense of dread and bewilderment. But what of dreams that create a sense of incredible accomplishment and satisfaction, where you are able to solve the complex problems that evade you when you seem to be the most competent to do so. These events reveal true aspirations and intent and that the answers and power to act upon them lies not as deep inside us as previously thought. The thrust of these dreams appears more substantial when one is capable of lucid dreaming, or controlling the action and outcome of such visions.

Tuesday morning bestowed upon me what I cannot call anything less than a revelation pertaining to the process of recovery. Fortunately, lucid dreaming has become quite common for me, and that is why this particular occurrence bears so much relevance to my situation.

It begins with a simple house, my own, of no real comfort or personal attachment. The house was suddenly filled with an incredible horde of unrecognizable party-goers, uninvited and certainly unwanted. As there was a total lack of alcohol in the house, I was, against my will, forced to make a run for the shop...it seemed I was the only one with money. Already irked that I had to spend my money on something I was not not even going consume, the experience in the shop did not help matters. I had paid for the beer (Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, for some reason) and a mystery bottle. During checkout the mystery bottle had been broken by the shop owner, and instead of offering credit he left me with no option but to purchase another bottle. I had already been taken advantage of by the unknown horde inhabiting my home, now the same was happening again. I was nearing the end of my rope. Back at the house it took very little time for all hell to break loose. I watched in sober amazement as nothing less than debauchery took place. The house had turned dark and sinister, and the little color that remained became drab and muddled. There was an overwhelming sense of discomfort and confusion as this all took place with no consideration to my presence. It arose inside me that this has all happened before and I was always left with an incredible sense of disappointment, anguish and emptiness. This time it was going to be different...enter lucid dreaming. At the top of my lungs I made everything quite clear:"STOP! Every time you come over the same thing happens! You always do this to me! I don't want you here anymore! Get the hell out!" Everything abruptly stopped and with complete astonishment on their faces everyone walked out. Now, that was pretty cool, but the best part remained. As the last one walked out the door the house was instantly filled with incredibly bright sunshine and the freshest air one could imagine. Curtains waved as a gentle breeze wafted in through windows that had never existed before. The house was immaculate and was of different construction and decor as the house at the beginning of the dream. I then awoke with a start, feeling relieved, inspired, and incredibly content.

I've had a couple days to analyze the phenomenon, and this is what it says to me. The house was undoubtedly my soul. The throng of ne'er-do-wells, as well as the shop owner, were the demons that had driven me to drink in the past, and even though I did not partake in this particular dream, it is obvious that those demons remained to torment, tempt, and take advantage of me. The act of expelling these demons was compelling as it exhibits a sincere endeavor towards conquering alcoholism. The transformation of the house from bland to hellish to absolute beauty speaks for itself. It was reward for the banishment of temptation and iniquity. This is the reward in reality as well.


© 2009 Uncover/Recover

Friday, April 24, 2009

One Question at a Time, Please, and Choose Your Words Wisely! Part 1

Long before entering treatment, serious questions arose about life without alcohol. These issues were never addressed in any type of reasonable inner-discourse because, for one thing, they usually came up while drinking. Booze aside, it became apparent the wrong questions were being asked. Addiction is a manifestation of the unchecked ego, and this ego will never permit “threats” to its existence to form, whether it is soul-searching or listening to a loved one’s concern. The questions were presented in way that made me out to be the victim…full of improper language and direction, if not completely misguided intention.

A few years ago I began to read G.I. Gurdjieff and Robert Anton Wilson, two great authors who espoused the use of positive words and thoughts to affect your own life and of those around you. One recent morning it struck me that this needed to be applied to the issue at hand if there was to be any breaking down of this unruly ego.

It’s working.

A very significant example that pertains to the recovering alcoholic is the nagging question: "Why can't I drink?" This pathetic inquiry contains not only the negative "can't" and the selfish "I", it lowers the defenses and applies undue importance and power to the act of drinking. It exudes a fatalistic energy and sets the mind in a destructive and self-pitying path. The more such an approach is taken the more one is bound to feel overwhelmed and vulnerable, less likely to view the world in a complimentary light and able advance towards recovery. The alternative, "why is it important to drink?", turns a greedy, defeatist question into one that will provide a substantially beneficial and introspective answer that everyone in this position possesses and needs to realize. With this we take an advantageous stance. We immediately diminish the power of alcohol and coax ourselves to search for the reason it has had control over the enjoyment and overall function of life.

The results came quite quickly.

Personally, the answer has multiple levels, of which here are a couple examples. First of all, I wouldn't be in the position to ask myself such a question if the act of drinking wasn't detrimental to begin with. I know the results over the years lay bare the fact that not much good has come from such behavior. In fact, the vast majority of bad experiences in my past have some direct correlation to alcohol consumption (blaming every bad experience on booze prevents us from appreciating the dynamic essence of life.) By disposing of that which causes heartache permits more potential for pleasure.

Secondly, does the survival of the human race rely upon a Margarita being made in one's mouth? Alcohol is not the mother's milk, and in fact has the potential to be quite the opposite. It had been a part of my profession for the past ten years to study the process of alcoholic fermentation, and while the act of yeast processing sugars into alcohol is certainly natural, there is no tipple out there that does not involve a complex process orchestrated by human kind. If our preservation necessitated the consumption of alcohol, the ethanol-laced liquid would be akin to water. The psychological and physiological damage endured by the addict is vast and deeply troubling.

More answers exist, but those given offer ample evidence that alcohol has no place in the life of one with an addictive personality (even after that character flaw may be properly dealt with.)


Choosing the proper words clearly makes a world of difference when forming such important and necessary questions. What we say and how we say them reflects and affects or inner well-being. Positive phraseology and mind-set is of absolute importance in conquering addiction.


© 2009 Uncover/Recover

Thursday, April 23, 2009

The Rough and Reluctant Road to Recovery

So here it goes. I'm closer now to forty than to thirty, with so much time lost to the behemoth I now must conquer. There is a self-imposed pressure to find a point of origin. To build a time-line. To lay before myself a chronology of destructive behavior, nightmares, missed opportunities, lost friendships and lovers, broken promises, dissolved dreams, lapses of memory, physical injury, feelings of unfulfillment, desolation, hopelessness, and most of all the stifling of the beautiful soul which I know resides within me.

Regardless of when, where, why and how this may have begun, I know for certain that all the while I repeatedly turned to the one thing I felt would make it go away, even though that one thing perpetuated, and likely caused, the aforementioned horrors. In the past fifteen years there has always been a nagging, yet largely ignored, sense that if I did not settle the issue myself it would take a devastating cataclysm to set me right...if I was fortunate enough to come out the other side.

Well, that cataclysm came in late January of this year, and even though I sit here now with all my faculties intact, it is with great humility I realize how easily it could have turned the other way for me that night...or the thousands of other days and nights before. I was spared and mostly unscathed from a potentially fatal accident, not to mention a way of life. While this event has brought everything to a screeching halt, it has become incredibly apparent that I, for all intents and purposes undeservedly, have been given an incredible position to finally realize the delicate nature of the world and those that share with me this experience called simply "life".

Yesterday I began an out-patient treatment program for alcohol addiction, and it is now just hours before my first visit to AA (at a church I attended for the first time last Sunday.) There is now, I should say "at last", a burgeoning and open relationship with my family, who I love very much. It was this morning that my sister gave me the idea of putting up this blog, and for that I am incredibly thankful. I am blessed to have the support network I do, even though I was too blind in the past to know it was there all along.

Recovery will be a long and emotional road (as I have already shed tears to write these words, and my face is still warm with the feeling) but at least now I know the rough spots can be smoothed and the reluctance can turn to anticipation.


© 2009 Uncover/Recover